A Full Clean Out

After two days of dealing with an intestinal virus I woke up this morning feeling so much better.  My first thought was I really need to disinfect this house to prevent anyone else from getting sick.  After an hour of cleaning I kept looking at my favorite cabinets in the wall.  These cabinets can hold and even hide so much.  It is so easy to just put things away so quick and not worry about the "junk" thrown inside.  So many times I have guests over and they can see how nice and tidy the house is kept but just the thought of someone opening this clutter trap can quickly cause me to tense up and fear someone seeing I'm not what I tend to show myself to be.

I was fighting myself from just emptying them out and kept thinking I'll wait for the New Year.  The New Year is only two days away....and the last day of my vacation.  Why wait?  I've been waiting and putting it off for over a year now.  Last time I cleaned it out, as mentioned in a past blog "Crock Pots and Clutter", I cleaned out some old papers from the school year and vowed to never stuff the papers in there again.  This time, I had lots of mail, crinkled up gift bags that I wouldn't dare give away, lots of recycled bags that I keep meaning to bring to the church and lots of trash (broken monitors, UPS boxes with computer components that didn't work, an old blender that would never be used..I really could just go on).  So I pretty much put a bandage on it last time, patted it and closed the door.   

Like most people, I'm pumped for the New Year.  It's a new beginning of restarting many goals such as my Bible reading calendar, getting back on track with working out and a new eating plan (this time gluten free and some Paleo as I'm reading up on it now).  I can easily hype myself up and then fall right back into my routine when I realize how busy my life is.  Before I know it I'll be back to leading a ladies Bible Study on Monday Nights and Awanas on Tuesday Nights, on Wednesday night I'm getting my dinner done quickly to get my husband and daughter off to youth group.  Before I know it, it's Thursday and I'm ready to relax and one of my kids decide to tell me last minute they have a project they need supplies for or they need me to drive them to a friends house or whatever crazy unplanned thing you can think of is needed to be done.  Then it's Friday and I realize I never put the load in the wash into the dryer and now I have to re-run it, all this with working full time as a church secretary.  So with all this being said, it's easy to put it off for another day.

We have a small narrow kitchen which really doesn't leave alot of room for all the gadgets we've accumulated through the years so sometimes I'll have pans in the food cabinet and mixers in with the plates and somehow my measuring cups disappear FOREVER.  If I empty out the huge wall cabinet I would have lots of room.  I was ready.  My house looked like an explosion went off already with Christmas on Wednesday and then getting sick on Saturday so I was ready to dig deep.  I cleaned off the dining room table that already had the Christmas clutter and prepared for the excavation.  I just started pulling it all out.  I had trash bags filled along the dining room floor.  It was all trash.  My table was filled with all these organized piles.  Pictures in one pile, important financial papers in another, instruction manuals, tax info and prayer cards or special papers like baptism certificates or birth certificates that never got put back in the correct place.  Anything else got trashed.  Pulling away all the junk revealed my china (I won't really call it fine), our wedding glasses covered in dust, huge serving dishes that just never get used, a large punch bowl, a pasta maker and a pitzel maker.  These are all nice things to have but the truth is they aren't really used.  So after wiping all the shelves out I put them all to the highest shelf to make room for all the things we can use everyday.

I wanted to do it right though, every object that was put back into the cabinets was wiped, no dust or cob webs.  Why put things away dirty?  I wiped all the gadgets and put all the chords and parts with all their matching components.  My son helped me count all the pieces to all the board games to make sure we weren't putting unusable games away.  He even got excited to put all the crafts back in one cubbie.  Instead of allowing the multiple cable wires and plugs that belong to some kind of device in the drawers, I refolded the table cloths and put the kitchen towels in the same drawer.  Hats, gloves,scarves,umbrellas etc. all went into the other drawer.  This is quite a practical cabinet now.

Of course I stared at this masterpiece and really thought about what the Lord was doing with me in this particular project.  I fill myself up with all this clutter...usually unneeded and unpleasant clutter.  Negative thoughts, opinions about others, feeling bothered and rushed by my children, falling short again on goals, failing health and not always putting Christ first in my life.  I have all this space that the Lord gives me.  I can fill it with treasures and things I can use to live my daily life to serve Him with joy but I let the clutter get in the way.  I'm really not talking about old blenders or circulars from 2012.  In the midst of my junk I found an index card that I took into the baptismal pool with me.  I ended it with "I live my life with every inhale and every exhale for Jesus Christ".  While most of the time this shows itself evident to most people, Christ knows my thoughts and feelings.  So it's time to get the junk out, the hidden kind.  The junk that makes me sigh when the phone rings as I'm ready to leave the office a half an hour late, or grunt when my daughter needs cover up and hairspray when there is only 5 dollars in the bank account or to leave during work to come pick her up because it's raining and she doesn't want to walk home.  Into the trash I could throw out the complaints to my son for not dressing quite the way I wanted him to or that he sounds like a slob when he's eating his dinner.  Though some days don't always come out as planned they always come out the way the Lord wants IF I'm fully following Him.  Those complaints, sighs and grunts wouldn't happen.  So, I'm not waiting for the new year, I don't have to.  I'm asking God to fully clean me out so I can only inhale and exhale Christ.  New Year's Day is really just another day.  But with Christ, everyday is a new day with Him.  He will clean me out, wipe all my clutter clean and prepare me to live for Him with lots of room for change.

                                        2 Corinthians 5:17
       Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:
                           The old has gone, the new is here!

Recomputing

So far, I got myself out of bed early 4 times this week to go walking with my friend Jean.  We walked almost 2.5 miles each day for almost an hour and I'm practically leaping each day with excitement that I'm finally moving again.  I've been so tired and emotional for the past 4 months with all my health issues so I thought this week would NEVER come.  I have been praying for change and revival for so long and I really feel God answering my prayers.  Two weeks ago, my pastor preached on Philippians 3:12, Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Though I have read this verse so many times it didn't really grab hold of me until now.  I have used Philippians 3:14 so many times in my walk, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  With feeling so lousy because of my health I really felt it in my spiritual life too.  Though I have been in prayer and in the Word I still felt stale.  Hearing the last 6 words of that verse is what really made me click "Christ took hold of me".  So many times when I struggled with things I would recite Philippians 3:14.  I've always been going "toward the goal" but truth is I usually, like all human beings, I find myself tripping over something and stumbling.  But...there is hope!  Christ has already taken hold of me!  He is there beside me, though sometimes he will let go of my hand to help me grow, he's always right there to help me back up; cleans the wounds, brushes the dirt off and sends me back running.  I don't find it a coincidence that the week my pastor preached this I prayed fervently for him to truly receive God's power to preach boldly to us.  So many other church members stopped into the office and gave praise for his great message.  God is at work in so many of us!

I was blessed beyond blessed this week to have my boss/pastor approach me about using my vacation time while it's slow.  He knows far too well how stubborn I am and won't use the two weeks again like I didn't use last year.  I was quite stubborn for a while grabbing my planner and telling him that "this and that" need to be done on such and such date.  He just kept pushing how important it is to refresh. Finally I said to him "Why am I arguing with you about taking a vacation?"  He laughed and said "I don't know!"  I think all church secretaries must think the church can't survive without them...and sometimes we need a good bop in the head too!  So starting on the 12th I'll be taking off for two weeks.  I'm looking forward to this time to refresh and spend time with the kids before the hustle and bustle of sending them off to school.  God is so good!

 

Stop

I am so blessed to have sisters in Christ who will stop what they are doing to ask me if I've worked on my blog recently.  As you can see, it's been about 2 months since my last posting.  I got smacked in the head with a big STOP sign.  (Not literally)  After my last post about "being still" and thinking I have God's plans for me all figured out, I got sick.  I was having excruciating pains in my side with a 103 fever.  After going to the hospital, I was diagnosed with colitis.  My doctor had all kinds of tests run and with that my thyroid was checked again.  This time the numbers were extremely high.  I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease.  So now I'm back and forth to different doctors trying to figure out what is going on with me.  My energy level had dropped completely and all my "to do" list became a "put on the back burner list".  I try to get back into the swing of things, especially exercise and I'm wiped out as soon as I start.  So let me start from the beginning of our "to do" list.

In late February, my husband and I started a HUGE project in the backyard with a new garden.  We decided to plant this garden because our plans to buy the house came to a huge stop because we had to fix our student loans.  We both felt that establishing this garden would be a a great way to as Mike puts it, show our obedience to the Lord that we can be good stewards to what the Lord has blessed us with (even if we didn't own it).  It took us a few weeks to get the 5 bushes that were there up out of the ground plus rip out 8 huge overgrown shrubs and then rearrange the stone path that curved to the driveway.  This required moving already existing 4 x 4's and stones that have been there for years.  I now  understood why my husband was so hesitant about doing it.  My stubborn self wanted it to be straight.  It took weeks to get the old stone path pulled up.  It almost laid in the ground like concrete.  I even mistakenly tried to use it as a "you reap what you sow" lesson out of it to my daughter.  She made a huge mistake and though she was forgiven, things will never be the same in this situation.   So I said that even when Jesus changes our path, our past is still there to there to remind us of what Jesus has done for us. I used this path as an example.  That didn't sit well with me at all.  I could feel that conviction that I was not right saying that.  I talked to my daughter the next day about how I was wrong to say that.  Jesus will make our paths straight and through God's mercy our past is wiped clean.  After feeling better about this I went outside to work on this "concrete" path that wouldn't come up.  I was amazed that when I put the shovel in it, it went right through.  It was like clay.  I had that path up in a half an hour!  My husband was even amazed that after days of trying and thinking we were stuck with it, it was gone!  

Now it was time to pull out all the roots on both sides of the walkway.  There was not one simple thing about this task.  Here we were every weekend all through March, pulling out huge roots from the monster bushes that were there.  At the end of March we built the fencing around the garden.  April comes, Mike builds a raised garden out of an old picnic table and then the following week he surprised me while I was out and built me a gorgeous potting bench.

Then comes May, our plan was to start planting all the vegetables (some were potted in the house) into the ground.  That's when I started to get sick.  I was exhausted and my stomach wasn't getting any better.  My poor husband was now left with all this work to do on his own.  Mid June, I finally went to the endocrinologist and was put on medication for my hypothyroidism. The doctor did say that my thyroid could be causing the colitis too.  So now I'm waiting for Mid July to go to that doctor again.

Then our plans to send the kids to private school came to a big stop.  We were only granted a small financial aid grant.  We were grateful to receive it but it just wasn't financially enough for us to do it.  So here we are, getting banged in the head with that stop sign again.  I really took this to heart, not because we weren't given the blessing but because I thought I really heard God tell us to do this.  I think I had my first temper tantrum with the Lord.  This wasn't a cry that it wasn't fair or you don't care about me kind of cry, it was more upsetting because after a large amount of prayer and trust we finally said yes to Him about this and we really thought that this was His direction.  Mike, the leader of our family, really helped me about understanding that maybe we did hear Him but it's not for now or maybe never.  Maybe the Lord wants us to buy this house first, then that would clear a way to financially afford private school.  Maybe He just wanted us to trust Him with whatever He gives us. So, that's what we are doing.  Here is where my prayers were answered.  I asked God to give me peace about this.  I woke up the next day feeling that it's okay, the kids will be okay wherever they go.  Nothing has changed, we still read the Bible together after dinner, pray together and teach each other about the Lord daily.  So grateful for His peace.

So here we are, almost into the second week of July and our garden is in full bloom.   The vegetables are almost ready to be picked soon.  My energy is back so I was finally able to come out and finish the landscaping around it.  It's wonderful to come outside everyday to see how God has blessed us with this garden, yes with the vegetables, but with so much more.  As a couple, we spent every weekend together working on it.  We spent valued time together planning.  We had disappointments together.  We healed together.  We learned lessons together. We trusted together.  We prayed together.  I'm blessed beyond blessed that God entrusted us with this garden.  His garden.

Be Still

Picture taken by Holly Banff

Well, it has been 3 months since I've come to my blog.  I would think about it often and tell myself I should be writing this down but I just let my business take over.  In that 3 months I was blessed with my woman's Bible study that was held every Monday night, weekends full of tilling, pulling, building fences and raised gardens with my husband.  My work schedule has been beyond busy and important decisions at home are being made.  Two weeks ago, I was finally able to "Be Still" on a woman's retreat with 35 other sister's in Christ at the shore.  I finally was at a slow.  No busy schedules.  No one needed to be driven anywhere, I didn't have to worry about what we were going to eat or how I was going to find time to do this or that.  I roomed with 3 other ladies that all have busy lives like me.  We laughed the entire weekend.  I didn't realize how much I needed that laugh.  We went to bed laughing and when our alarm went off at 5:30 am we woke up laughing.  We took long walks and jogged on the beach, watched sunrises, rested by the pool and had our own quiet time with Lord.  Our speaker Janice, one of my dearest sister's in Christ, led us with a wonderful lesson on waiting on God's timing.  It was such a refreshment and a it gave me a recharge for these past two weeks.   

Our friend Mary, who has only known the Lord for 2 years went home to heaven two weeks ago too.  Though I'm rejoicing for her, I'm aching for the loss of my friend and also for the pain that her children are going through.  I was honored to be part of her testimony. I watched her grow and grow in the Lord.  She called the church office two years ago to get service times and I invited her over to show her around.  She was so excited and I could tell she was really hungry for Him.  I invited her to our Sunday School class and not too long after that I got her to come to our Thursday morning Life group.  I had the honor of escorting her up the steps to the baptismal and hugging her when she came out.  I will miss her randomly stopping in the office to share things with me and her phone calls when she had questions about the Bible or just requesting prayer for her family.  I was so blessed to be part of all that.  Now, she's getting all her answers.  

So, here I am.  All the gardens are ready to be planted, all the business at work was completed yesterday, we finally made the decision to enroll our children in a private school,(we have really been praying on this because of finances) and though I wasn't "Still" during these ordeals...I was in constant "go" but my heart and my soul was "Still".  Through all of this, I was relying on the Lord.  Soaking it all in.  Thanking him through the sweat and pain that I get to do this yard work.  That I have my husband to share this time with.  That I have this opportunity to teach my children about the Lord in our home.  Thankful for the ministry in the church office...I never know who God will send though that office door.  Thankful for the opportunity to lead a Bible study in my own house with such sweet ladies.  Thankful that I can rest at Jesus' feet everyday.  He will give me that refreshment and recharge that I need to keep going.

Doubting Daughter

 I held a Bible Study in my home for the first time ever this week.  Boy was I excited and nervous at the same time.  A few weeks ago when I put the sign up sheet out I was so nervous no one would sign up.  However, the Lord had a different plan to have 15 ladies including myself join.  Now I was nervous that we wouldn't fit.  Of course, the tables and chairs fit just right...a little tight, but it fit.

I had been preparing for a couple of weeks, studying the the video and working on the book but of course that big D word popped in...do I dare say it?  Doubt.  I let it slip in so many times.  How can I do this?  The youngest of the group?  Probably the one out of the group that has been reading the Bible in the least amount of years.  I had already turned the pastor down when he asked me to do it months ago plus I had two other ladies that suggested it as well,  but when I found out there was only going to be one women's group available my heart started racing...was I disobeying the Lord?  I struggled so hard with this.  I prayed and prayed for clarification but I was blinded by so much doubt. I couldn't figure out if I was listening to God or listening to man.  

It's time like this that I wish I had a burning bush in my backyard.  To hear that loud, clear voice saying "Yes, Melissa, I want you to do this"  or that humbling voice saying "this isn't what I had planned for you dear daughter".    I think at this point in the game I was listening to so much doubt that whether I decided to do it or not I was not going to be it at peace because I already allowed fear to settle in. I really can be my own worse enemy sometimes.  So after praying with one of my dearest sister's in the Lord on the phone, I went to my bed and just laid there in the the dark.  I went into a silent prayer.  No words, just waited for what the Lord put on my mind.  I started thinking of the Book of Acts, all these new believers..yes some may have been scholars of the law but all this inexperience they had of the new and they hadn't even received the Holy Spirit yet...besides seeing the Lord in person and most of them not even fully believing, they were no different than me.  This was All brand new to them too.  Yet they met and prayed together...why can't I do this in my home?  I'm not a "teacher" that I know about myself...I'm always looking for something new to learn.  But I do love the Lord, His Word and I just love his people so what is wrong with sharing the Word with other sisters I do it anyway not "leading".  They are just as broken as I am, whether they have years of experience or not they too need the Lord just as much as I.

So I finally came to a certain peace that I could do this and know that no matter what happens whether I fall on my face or not, He is with me.   After this, I wasn't scared at all.   A few days before the study, a dear sister asked me if I was nervous. I couldn't believe it but I really wasn't!  The day before, I wiped each chair down and prayed for each lady that was attending, I was already being blessed before it even started.  

So yes, I was a little nervous when it started, I was trying to entertain and lead at the same time but after we settled down and I opened it prayer it went so well.  I was so blessed to have my mom there with us too.  All these graceful and beautiful yet broken woman sitting in my dining room soaking up the Lord together I was blessed beyond blessed.  I'm just so excited to see what the Lord is going to bring to this table for the next 12 weeks!

Isaiah 6:8
...And I said, “Here am I. Send me!

So I Didn't Miss The King

I have come back and forth to my blog probably 5 times this month but I just couldn't post any of it because I was simply not glorifying God by showing how negative I have been feeling this past month.  My goal this past month was to focus on the King.  I just kept reminding myself over and over again "don't miss the King".   Yes, I have been in the Word and my prayer life hadn't changed...I know you were probably thinking that (I would have) but why was I feeling so negative?  People would ask me "so are you ready for Christmas" and my answer would be "spiritually, yes".  My inside was not matching my outside at all.  Even though I knew I wasn't financially ready for Christmas, I really was okay with that.  This was me and my children's 5th Christmas with Jesus as our main focus and my husband's 4th Christmas so I knew they would be content with the small amount we give anyway.  My problem was I couldn't find a way to slow down.  

Christmas Eve came and my mom and dad's household was hit with the flu so we did something completely different this year and went to the Candlelight service at church.  It was perfect.  Though I was sad we weren't doing our normal family thing this was a great way to really focus on Him.  The next morning my dad was rushed to the hospital because his bronchitis and was in there until Saturday night.  So, we had a quiet Christmas.  My birthday was Saturday too so it was a quiet night too.  New Years Eve with the family was definitely not happening because they were all still sick.  So, we once again did something we've never done before, we went to the New Years Eve service at church and had communion with a small crowd.  Once again I was blessed beyond blessed. 

My focus of this story is actually not for anyone to feel sorry for me.  You see, even though we didn't have our normal festivities all the way up to the New Year I was given a wonderful gift of rest.  I had off from work the entire week and was able to rest.  I decided to skip where I was normally reading in the Bible and read the 4 gospels again.  But I didn't just read, I took notes and really studied it's contents.  I compared the parables and miracles.  I studied about the writer of each gospel and what audience they were writing to.  Matthew (the tax collector who himself became an apostle) who was a Jew was writing to the Jews.   As I read through Matthew, I wrote down each of it's prophesies and where they were located in the Old Testament.  I memorized the Beatitudes and took notes on all the locations of most of the activities in each gospel.  Mark, a gentile, was writing through Peter's experience. Took notes of all the songs and poetry in Mark.    I was thrilled to see that Luke also wrote Acts, was a missionary companion of Paul, met him while writing Acts.  Paul mentions him Colossians, Philemon and 2 Timothy his last letter where he states that only Luke is with him.  I could go on and on over the facts that I've studied but that wasn't my reason for this. Even though I've read the 4 gospels a handful of times I never thoroughly read them knowing each of their relationships to Jesus. Which just makes me even more excited to "study" and not just read the other books of the New Testament.  

So I was forced to slow down and rest in Him through this "uneventful" holiday ending my year focused on Jesus and ringing in the year focused on Him, falling even more in love with Him.

My prayer for each and everyone of you is:

May the Lord bless and keep you; may His grace and His face shine upon you, may the Lord lift up his countenance (smile) upon you; and give you peace. ~Numbers 6:24-26

Hope That Never Disappoints

  As we fly through the months, weeks and days...I finally find a way to slow down and enjoy this time of celebrating Christ's birth.  Our family started a tradition know as the Jesse Tree.  A countdown to Christmas day.  

 

I was introduced to the Jesse Tree by blogger, Ann Voskamp from Aholyexperience.com several years ago.  Each day has a Bible devotion, starting with Isaiah 11:1-2 for day one. 

"A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit." ~ Isaiah 11:1

What hope we have knowing that even though we were cut off from God because of our disgrace, Jesus can bring us new life and defeat sin.  

We finished day five today which is titled "Living by Faith".  My husband and son already walked away from the table (daughter was at youth group) and it gave me some extra time in prayer to reflect on my faith and where God has called me.  I hold a couple positions; daughter, wife, mother, aunt, sister and friend.  The list could probably go on longer but that's not of importance.  The most important part of my roles is that because I have been so blessed through Jesus, that I should aim to bless all. 

 I KNOW I fall short in this area in different ways.  I lack to make that phone call, give a hug, stopped to pray with or just giving my undivided attention.  I'm always going full speed ahead and I'm sure there are so many times I don't even realize who I've disappointed.  I guess I really haven't shown myself as a true example of Jesus.  My prayer is that as we begin this season of Love, I show my love outward to those who are in my life.  So grateful that He never disappoints!