Doubting Daughter

 I held a Bible Study in my home for the first time ever this week.  Boy was I excited and nervous at the same time.  A few weeks ago when I put the sign up sheet out I was so nervous no one would sign up.  However, the Lord had a different plan to have 15 ladies including myself join.  Now I was nervous that we wouldn't fit.  Of course, the tables and chairs fit just right...a little tight, but it fit.

I had been preparing for a couple of weeks, studying the the video and working on the book but of course that big D word popped in...do I dare say it?  Doubt.  I let it slip in so many times.  How can I do this?  The youngest of the group?  Probably the one out of the group that has been reading the Bible in the least amount of years.  I had already turned the pastor down when he asked me to do it months ago plus I had two other ladies that suggested it as well,  but when I found out there was only going to be one women's group available my heart started racing...was I disobeying the Lord?  I struggled so hard with this.  I prayed and prayed for clarification but I was blinded by so much doubt. I couldn't figure out if I was listening to God or listening to man.  

It's time like this that I wish I had a burning bush in my backyard.  To hear that loud, clear voice saying "Yes, Melissa, I want you to do this"  or that humbling voice saying "this isn't what I had planned for you dear daughter".    I think at this point in the game I was listening to so much doubt that whether I decided to do it or not I was not going to be it at peace because I already allowed fear to settle in. I really can be my own worse enemy sometimes.  So after praying with one of my dearest sister's in the Lord on the phone, I went to my bed and just laid there in the the dark.  I went into a silent prayer.  No words, just waited for what the Lord put on my mind.  I started thinking of the Book of Acts, all these new believers..yes some may have been scholars of the law but all this inexperience they had of the new and they hadn't even received the Holy Spirit yet...besides seeing the Lord in person and most of them not even fully believing, they were no different than me.  This was All brand new to them too.  Yet they met and prayed together...why can't I do this in my home?  I'm not a "teacher" that I know about myself...I'm always looking for something new to learn.  But I do love the Lord, His Word and I just love his people so what is wrong with sharing the Word with other sisters I do it anyway not "leading".  They are just as broken as I am, whether they have years of experience or not they too need the Lord just as much as I.

So I finally came to a certain peace that I could do this and know that no matter what happens whether I fall on my face or not, He is with me.   After this, I wasn't scared at all.   A few days before the study, a dear sister asked me if I was nervous. I couldn't believe it but I really wasn't!  The day before, I wiped each chair down and prayed for each lady that was attending, I was already being blessed before it even started.  

So yes, I was a little nervous when it started, I was trying to entertain and lead at the same time but after we settled down and I opened it prayer it went so well.  I was so blessed to have my mom there with us too.  All these graceful and beautiful yet broken woman sitting in my dining room soaking up the Lord together I was blessed beyond blessed.  I'm just so excited to see what the Lord is going to bring to this table for the next 12 weeks!

Isaiah 6:8
...And I said, “Here am I. Send me!